Archive for August, 2008

Exercise will kill you

I walked 4K steps yesterday and the goal today is 5K

I need 10 walks around my building to get there.  I just did one.  My thighs and butt are sore as hell.  I’m gonna die.


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I habitually respond “I’m okay” to any inquiry of “are you okay?”  It’s something the husband does not let me get away with.  Besides, when you’re sniveling, no one believes you are okay anyway.   So yeah, I am not okay.


I am better than I was yesterday and a ton better than I was the day before, but still not okay.  Not even sure I know what okay is. 


Anytime I lose my temper that badly, I spend a few days in shell shock.  Normally, those days are spent deeply critizing myself and thinking about withdrawing entirely.  They are, frankly, very unhealthy and the very fact that I cannot seem to break that cycle frustrates the hell out of me.  (Which makes me more introspective and upset…  Gotta love those circles)


The worst part of the whole thing is that I don’t like to talk to other people about it.  I’m just that embarrassed.  Instead, I work out conversations in my head between me and other people.  Even with my husband, who can be sitting right next to me.  I’ve got the conversation in my head with him.  The man already knows I am slightly off, but I still won’t talk to him about it.


For someone who talks to other people about how it is okay to talk about things, this might seem a bit odd, hypocritical and maybe bizarre, but I’ve already said I am not okay.  Really.  Part of it is pure embarrassment.  I allowed someone to manipulate my emotions and I hate that.  I typed things that I shouldn’t have typed.  (Which is not to say that I said things I did not mean, because yeah, I still think said person is wrong, wrong wrong.  I just think that I should have approached my issue with said person differently and not in the context that I did.)  At least now I know what he really thinks of me.


When people get nasty and vicious, I want to prove them wrong.  It’s stupid and ridiculous.  You said something mean about me, that is so incredibly wrong that I will prove it to you by changing what I am doing….  How does that make sense?  I mean, woman, think it through.  So yeah, the way to prove it is to keep doing what I am doing.


Cause in the end, I’m happily married (5 years in September!).  I have lots of cool friends (that also play the MMO of my choice!) and I have good life goals (working on finding a job, going back to grad school, etc.)  And I am all doing them without being a jerk.


So, I am not okay, but I am getting better.

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Yes, I have deleted a rather long and nasty rant.

I am pissed at myself for having expended the time and energy to get into a childish spat with anyone. 

Worse, I am digusted that said person’s disgusting and nasty attacks continue to bother me.

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Things to do this week

So, it occurs to me that I need a list of things to do this week.

1) Create a CV for research style positions and submit it to AG so I do not look like a total noob.

Seriously, I’ve working in accounting for over ten years.  this does not exactly reflect my biology background.  that needs major work

2) Increase step count to 5K.  I’m at 3K now.  this is doable.

3) Sleep

Thanks to the heat and the fact that I have had my leg raised every night to keep the swelling somewhat managable, I have not exactly had a lot of fulfilling sleep. 

4) Scrub the tub

Wonderful hubby has been working on cleaning the bedroom for a week.  I did most of the bathroom this weekend, but 102 degree heat is not exactly the kind of weather you want to spend enclosed in a very small room with bleach.

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Today I did something crazy

I applied for a job at Harvard

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Sometimes you just got to wonder

Schlub on phone:  Hi, I’d like to speak to the person in charge of hiring.

Me:  We’re not hiring at the moment.

Schlub: Oh, can i ask what you do there?


DUDE!  Even if you are some idiot working for a temp/work finding agency, you should know what the company you are calling does.

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