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General Update

So getting back into blogging, so I am going to take it simple at first.

So let me summarize my health stuff, before I give an update. It has been a long while since I have done one of those.

About six years ago, I began to have a number of strange health issues. My feet began swelling. I began having severe and random muscle aches and pains. I was constantly lethargic and could not maintain my weight. I’ve been heavy all my life, but despite spending the majority of my day walking (and later limping) across a college campus of three blocks, I began to gain weight again. I became highly sensitized to cold, going so far as to sleep under a thick blanket even on nights where the temperature crept towards eighty. In short, I was cold, tired and miserable.

Some people might already recognize these signs as severe hypothyroidism. My doctor at the time had only one answer, “you are fat, lose weight.” Even after my right leg swelled so badly that the skin split in the night, that was the answer. “get up and exercise until you sweat!” Which was great, except I was in severe pain and even when I pushed myself until I was gasping for breath, I did not sweat. All of these should have been signs to my doctor, but they weren’t.

The assistance I got from my doctor was minimal, but I believed her. Why? Because that is part of how we are trained to think. We’re trained to believe that being fat causes all our problems. So, I tried and hated myself for failing, for not being able to move because I was in pain. Blamed myself for being unable to do the things I thought I had to do.
It took years for me to finally look for another doctor. And finally get the courage to speak to someone. But I had to do something, the muscle pains had become unbearable. Worse, we had an extremely hot summer and I overheated because I was not sweating. I had to just suck it up and accept that this wasn’t getting any better.
The new doctor ran blood tests. He actually spoke to me, asked me questions. In a few weeks, I had a diagnosis and medication. In a few months, I saw the first results. We played with the medications and made changes to my diet and my behavior.

In six months, I was no longer having the occasional skin splits. In a year, I no longer had to fear waking up in the middle of the night with muscle aches so bad I wanted to scream. I slowly started to lose weight, the swelling in my legs began to go down and just a few months ago, I started to sweat again.
(A small comment about sweating. It’s REALLY GROSS! I hate it. At the same time, I am so happy to actually do it. It’ll be nice to go through a summer without having to spend an hour in a cool shower just to keep from passing out.)

I am so warm these days, that the husband has taken to closing the door in the computer room and turning on the heat, because I grouch when he tries to turn on the heat in the living room. I haven’t lost as much weight as I would like, but part of that is just being out of the habit of being able to do anything. It’s slow and steady progress, but I am happy. I just wish I had taken control of the situation sooner.

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Right, for those people who are new (within the past year, most likely) This used to be a regular part of my blog. A list of what is annoying me right now.

Here we go

1) The name calling of people who disagree with you over Ji Firepaw (Or any other issue, obviously, but this annoyment came because of the Ji controversy)

Thanks for the neckbeard comment, bro. Yes, I know you just retweeted it. Fantastic. You just called me a neckbeard. Cause that is not nearly as insulting as what you think Ji was doing.

Disagreement is fine, but that shit is uncalled for. From you, I expected better.

2) Working to damn much.

I’m tired. I am hella cranky. Tired and cranky. What does this make me aside from more unpleasant than usual? Oh, that’s right, paranoid. Because being paranoid on top of everything else is so effective.

Screw you brain chemicals. You suck.

3) “I am SO busy”

What? You think I’m sitting at my desk eating bonbons? I’ve got a backlog of filing on my desk. Don’t tell me how you need time off or how busy you are. I’ve put in 60+ hours a week for the past three.

One of you works from home and the other of you works ten minutes from work. I have an hour commute in the morning and an hour (if I am lucky) at night.

the hell with both of you. Oh yeah, and time off… well wouldn’t that be nice.

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This past week I have done two things I have never done before.

1) I applied to a raiding guild for a raid spot.

I’ve been the gospel singer for non guild raids for so long. It seems so odd to actually apply to a guild for the express purpose of raiding. Plus, the guild’s play level and experience is higher than my traditional groups. I think I am capable of doing this, but it is quite a change.

I’m taking myself, at least partially, away from Feathermoon and my social base. I’ve relied on being “Pill” for so long, it is hard to just be myself without having to rely on six years of server history. I’m not knocking Feathermoon here. I really love my home server, but I want a more focused raid in WoW. But booting up WoW has become a chore, not because I don’t like WoW, but because my social base has slowly dwindled.

I miss having everyone around to play. I miss even a little flicker of “hi” from somewhere. Part of this has been my fault. The slow dissolution of the backbone of my RP has been slowly killing me for months. I made writing promised that I could not keep, but I kept acting like all was okay when it really wasn’t. I felt adrift in plans that never came to fruition and trapped by promises I had made to people that have great value to me.

Finally, my Sunday raid started to falter. People left to do things they enjoyed more. Tempers got short, conversations got less productive. And eventually, the thing I knew was going to happen, even if I did not want to admit it, happened. The raid dissolved under its own weight. And I went on twitter to decry my fate.

It’s not the first time, I had looked at the tweets from the Guild Leader of Business Time and wondered. It is, however, the first time I had done so since they went to a “casual” one night a week. Before I had the excuse of time, it would have added three days to my raid schedule. Two of those days were days I already had things scheduled. Curiosity was there, but it was just not feasible. This time, I jumped.

I won’t lie and say that I am completely confident. I believe I am more than capable. I think I play my class well. I do research my class. I do take criticism. I CAN do better than I am doing right now. And, admittedly, I had let some things slide because I could. (Shaman has unenchanted bracers and I am still using the glyph of water shield) At the same time, I am dying to prove that I can do this. And hoping to find another touchbase for WoW things.

2) I confronted one of our tanks about his burnout

Panzercow talks about it from his PoV here. So I’ll tell you my side. I really had no idea he was that burntout. All I knew was that he was constantly harassing me about the raid. He wasn’t joking around so much. He was logging off of vent and WoW without much conversation. Not logging into vent to hang in TOR and generally being a lump.

But a “WTF, Panzer, why you act this way?” Would bring conversations about stress at work, or how he hadn’t really thought about it, or he was tired. No mention of burnout, no mention of not wanting to play.

I take people at their word. I don’t like to guess at what people think. I am notoriously bad at it. I am not good at reading subtle hints.

So, talking to @noxilite and others, it became clear that Panzercow was not feeling the WoW. He confessed to mutual friend that he was feeling burnt out. To which, I responded with typical Pill calm and reasoned logic. “WTF! WHY IS HE STILL PLAYING THEN.” Followed by a string of cursing and my threatening to bring a two by four to a tauren skull and lots of fire was involved as well.

To say the least, this is not how I went to Panzercow. But it was direct:

Itanya: So, I have something to say to you
Linedan: OK
Itanya: If you are feeling that burnt out. Dude, stop playing.

I am a master of the gentle intro, huh?

The other stuff about just showing out of obligation and no love of the game, yeah, I said that. I meant it to. I can replace a tank, if I have to. I can replace anyone if I have to (I don’t always have the will, but I usually can do it)

He was supposed to tell me if he was dropping out immediately. He blogged it up first.

Still lighting him on fire for that.

Anyway, point being that if you are feeling the blehs or the donwannas for week after week. Do yourself and your raid the favor of being honest about it. Everyone has the occasional day of donwanna. But if you ALWAYS feel that way, something is wrong.

And no, I’m not good at taking my own advice people. Bite me.

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I am feeling cranky today for a whole host of reasons and have been less than pleasant to people I know. So, Fy breaks out his wit.

Fyriat: Otherwise I’ll start telling people a-side that Tarelyn is slowly turning into a worgen

Itanya: 😛

Fyriat: You’ll have to flee from hordes of rolled up newspapers

Itanya: /darthno

Fyriat: Or I could say it was happening to Cylinn
You thought she was dumb before!

Itanya: A rabid stupid and angry thirteen year old girl
nothing could go wrong

Fyriat: Okay, I need a minute
Trying not to bust up laughing and get people to look at me funny

Itanya: Heee

Fyriat: Got the image of a worgen running out of the Pig and Whistle
only to collide with the door
flat nosed worgen!
which led to the image of a weresheepdog

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Working on a story with Keltyr and Loreli.

I look away from twenty minutes to do some work and I come back to this:

There was fighting and they won and then they drank and passed out. The end. 😉

Alternatively: Lars was tragically lost in the battle, Dorri and Kel triumphed and turned this into a trashy romance novel with ripping bodices and flowing elven hair. *nod* You should know the bodice belongs to Kel not Dorri… >.> Its a very nice bodice though. Silk ties, brocade and lace. VERY fetching! Brings out the green in his eyes! They were buy one get one half off at the Silvermoon flea market. But he was afraid Dorri would kill him if he bought her one too. So he offered it to Fabrio but things just got awkward from there. Meanwhile, on the awesome side of things, our brave and selfless alliance heroes were doing things and being awesome. Cuz that’s what they do. Meanwhile, the Riders were probably doing stuff too.But nobody likes them anyway

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Bricu: btw: I’m still trying to come up with something funny for an eventual metion at your blog.
I’m totally failing here.

Itanya: Heh. You have steep competition. The intential cutting sarcasm (and occasional Fail) of Fyriat.
And Linedan’s outrageous kinky statements

Bricu: I KNOW. I’m screwed

Itanya: Fyriat says it is just inspiration and timing

Bricu: christ, I have neither.

Fyriat: Well then, he could always fall back on booze and puns

Bricu: Man, I wold be so fired for drinking on the job. The puns would be a dead give away.
Bricu’s Wife: how did you lose your job?
Me: I was wasted and saying puns to Pill to get on her blog. Totes worth it.
bricu’s Wife: …

bricu: then my head explodes from her psychic powers.

And THAT is how you get mentioned in gtalk maddness

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I can see both the frustration at being overwhelmed and the frustration at getting no resistance. Gunny put a very diplomatic face on his post. He said good show to his opponents. He also makes a valid point about how he is not going to stop. When you get a group of people together, you have to keep up the momentum or you lost it.

In truth, it is not Gunny’s responsibility to see that numbers are balanced. His obligation is to his group alone. But that also does not mean that he cannot express his regrets that there is not a sizable response to what he does. There is a great deal of difference between a typical @post and a post saying “thank you guys for following me.”

Now, for a point of reference, I was on my alliance paladin when they hit Stormwind. I was flying toward the portals when I saw shouts in orcish. I looked on my RealID and saw Alanth in an Alliance city. I was all like “WTF” and he was like “If you don’t want trouble, get outta there.” And I said “FLEE!” and I did.

There was no harassment for my choice to flee the scene. There has also been no harassment from my Horde friends for declining most PvP invites lately. I also was involved in Malkavet’s world tour. I helped maintain “operational security” on many of our city raids. I don’t always mesh well with people who run those. What Gunny posted about the type of leadership needed for PvP is right. And I am one ornery bitch, so instead of making a nuisance of myself I sit out and glower. Meh, it happens.

The point of all this is just a suggestion of thinking about your presentation and considering what someone else means when they post. And thinking about what you yourself mean when you post. I am queen of being pissy. And not a single person who has been around me for a longer then a five minute RP roll knows it. And the fact of the matter is that sarcasm doesn’t transfer well over the internet.

Honestly, considering the blow up on other posts today, I expect a lot more vitriol. But I think that a lot of the problems are not from this PvP post, but a collection of irritation that just burst all over the place. So far, I have seen a few people talking about leaving the facebook circle entirely and one person who took a break to keep from feeding the cycle. I am not usually an advocate of taking a step back. I’m usually the person in your face over something I don’t like, but I think that taking a moment to think here might be a good idea.

The constant wrangling on Feathermoon over PvP is not new. We’ve been arguing with each other over PvP since Taren Mill. Since Queue tripping. Since Insurgency of Westfall. Most of the people in this thread have been through all that. PvP can make people crazy. (You ask Ebon about me cursing him out for talking shit about Alliance and storming off of vent) We all need to stop encouraging the cray.

I can’t believe I am saying this. But be excellent to each other. Now that I have dated myself, get the hell off my lawn.

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