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Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

I habitually respond “I’m okay” to any inquiry of “are you okay?”  It’s something the husband does not let me get away with.  Besides, when you’re sniveling, no one believes you are okay anyway.   So yeah, I am not okay.

 

I am better than I was yesterday and a ton better than I was the day before, but still not okay.  Not even sure I know what okay is. 

 

Anytime I lose my temper that badly, I spend a few days in shell shock.  Normally, those days are spent deeply critizing myself and thinking about withdrawing entirely.  They are, frankly, very unhealthy and the very fact that I cannot seem to break that cycle frustrates the hell out of me.  (Which makes me more introspective and upset…  Gotta love those circles)

 

The worst part of the whole thing is that I don’t like to talk to other people about it.  I’m just that embarrassed.  Instead, I work out conversations in my head between me and other people.  Even with my husband, who can be sitting right next to me.  I’ve got the conversation in my head with him.  The man already knows I am slightly off, but I still won’t talk to him about it.

 

For someone who talks to other people about how it is okay to talk about things, this might seem a bit odd, hypocritical and maybe bizarre, but I’ve already said I am not okay.  Really.  Part of it is pure embarrassment.  I allowed someone to manipulate my emotions and I hate that.  I typed things that I shouldn’t have typed.  (Which is not to say that I said things I did not mean, because yeah, I still think said person is wrong, wrong wrong.  I just think that I should have approached my issue with said person differently and not in the context that I did.)  At least now I know what he really thinks of me.

 

When people get nasty and vicious, I want to prove them wrong.  It’s stupid and ridiculous.  You said something mean about me, that is so incredibly wrong that I will prove it to you by changing what I am doing….  How does that make sense?  I mean, woman, think it through.  So yeah, the way to prove it is to keep doing what I am doing.

 

Cause in the end, I’m happily married (5 years in September!).  I have lots of cool friends (that also play the MMO of my choice!) and I have good life goals (working on finding a job, going back to grad school, etc.)  And I am all doing them without being a jerk.

 

So, I am not okay, but I am getting better.

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